The End of BOSSGAME
It’s been over a year since BOSSGAME: The Final Boss Is My Heart originally launched on mobile, back in October 2022. I wanted to write about it, somehow... my feelings working on and launching it, everything that’s happened after that, and how I feel about it now.
To start... I’m overwhelmingly happy with Bossgame. I’m so proud of it. Sometimes I still glow with this wild energy when I realize that I actually released a game, a real genuine full-ass game, a game that took longer than a month to make. I occasionally boot it up and scroll through the menus and think, “Did I actually make this? How the hell did I do that?” This has been a dream of mine ever since I fell in love with indie games. Graduating college without a job, in tons of debt, with debatable skills, depression, and buried transgender dreams, I ended up putting it off for a while. I got there eventually. It’s so strange, having actually released a project I’ve dreamed about for 10 years. I feel so lucky, and just thinking about... I want to cry a bit.
My game design goals aren’t particularly lofty. I just really like making games. The daily process of tinkering with gameplay, drawing new sprites, writing, experimenting... It’s work, it’s stressful, it’s frustrating, but it’s also genuinely satisfying. Without it, I think life would be really depressing. And I love playing games! By now I’ve played so, so many games that have filled me with emotion, loveliness and lust and tragedy and despair. When I play a game like that, I always say, “I hope one day I can make a game that makes someone feel ten percent of what I’m feeling now.”
It’s strange and wonderful, knowing that I may have accomplished that with Bossgame. It’s a little overwhelming, really.
If you played Bossgame, thank you. If you left a review, or a comment somewhere, sent me an email, drew fanart, streamed it - I’m sure I’ve seen it, and I’m sure it’s made me smile, or laugh, or cry. Thank you so much. I’m happy for this little connection we’ve had.
The development of BOSSGAME: The Final Boss Is My Heart took me from January 2019 until October 2022, just under four years. I clocked most of my dev hours out of curiosity, and it took just over 2000 hours total to make the mobile version, on my end (I also worked with several incredible artists and writers).
Bossgame began life as some doodles of Sophie and Anna I made all the way back in 2013. I was inspired after reading Milk Morinaga’s “Girl Friends" had awakened some deeply hidden feelings around gender and love. Dawn and Mirra came soon after, though the devils, Adelaine, and Donovan came years later. I made a few prototypes here and there - a roguelike named “Lily”, a boss rush rpg named “Bossgame”. Both fizzled out for various reasons, more than anything because I was overworked at my day job and couldn’t find energy to make games.
In 2019, I was finally too burned out, and quit my job. I spent a few months diving wholly into gamedev. I came up with the two-thumbs prototype that would become Bossgame. I tweaked the combat system repeatedly. I was thrilled to figure out a way to make such an action-oriented game work on mobile with the press & release system. Spending a lot of time getting the battles feeling good early was the right choice, and seeing my friends really enjoy that barebones system gave me a lot of confidence to move forward.
Writing Bossgame’s story was the hardest part of dev for me. I had never written anything so long, and I underestimated just how hard it is to take a vague cloud of ideas and emotions and turn them into a story that can fit between raucous boss fights. I had a lot of help there from my more experienced friends, who gave me plenty of suggestions and advice (I owe them a lot - Marina, Tabby, Hannah, Emma, thank you). I’m really happy with how it all turned out. I was able to turn my odd concotion of unsure feelings into a cohesive tale about two women trying their best to find a place for themselves. I’m excited but nervous to write more in the future... I hope it’s less intimidating this time around.
The other pieces were more straightforward, more similar to what I've always done in game jams... I got sound effects from free sound libraries and SFXR. I used RoccoW's amazing Creative Commons work for music. I picked a simple, pretty black & white artstyle that I knew I could handle, inspired by games like Downwell. And of course, I had a ton of help, with Chloe Taylor making the battle backgrounds, and so many artists making cutscene illustrations... Iva, Maki, Sophia, Casey, Max, Delta, Emma, and puré. I'm glad for all their help, which brought a lot of life to my little monochrome sprites.
I broke a lot of my previous barriers during this time! I started meeting up with other local game devs. I showcased Bossgame at our huge local anime convention. I reached out and commissioned artists (I had so much fun with the guest art and writing - I want to do it more in the future).
2020 hit, and so did COVID, so I was trapped inside and unemployed for a bit longer than I expected. It was a perfect excuse for making a game, but my depression definitely triumphed and slowed me down. Eventually, I found a new job and began working as a contractor... development slowed down again. It’s really, really hard to make games alongside a full time job! I kept going, adding new bosses, writing more story, trudging on, though I still really enjoyed any chance I had to work on it. I appreciate Emma most of all for helping me during this time, since she was the only other person I saw regularly, and she brightly endured all my fretting about my writing, my boss design, everything... This period was long and slow, but it made up most of Bossgame's development.
In the summer of 2022, I had gotten Bossgame to a pretty reasonable state, though in my head, it was nowhere near complete. I wanted so many more bosses, I wanted more secrets, I wanted hard modes and... well, I think I ended up releasing it because I was tired. That sounds a bit depressing, but it was the right call! I think if I hadn’t accepted the final state of Bossgame then, I may have given up on it altogether. So I got a final build ready, started using my extremely limited reach to get exposure any way I could, and I released Bossgame on phones. My girlfriend treated me to sushi :)
Bossgame has been received extremely well by almost every possible account. It’s rated highly on basically every storefront. I’ve received dozens of messages and emails from folks telling me how much the game meant to them, that they cried, that they played the game multiple times back to back, that they want to make games some day too. My friends sent me all-caps DMs about boss fights or funny lines. And, like... it can feel a bit overwhelming. I know it’s my insecurity speaking, but I never thought I’d really be able to reach other people like that... it’s an amazing feeling. I’m so happy that my little game could mean so much, even to people I’d never met.
Bossgame’s original release got more attention than I expected, both because it's a pretty good pay-once mobile game (they're that rare now...), and because it blatantly features a lesbian relationship. Several people wrote extremely kind and passionate articles about the game, and I was invited on a number of podcasts, including an interview with Jonathan Holmes, whose older podcast “Sup Holmes” had been a huge source of inspiration for me.
More personally, releasing Bossgame was strange. I received so much love from the folks who played it, but like... I also had to go back to work the next day. Life didn’t really change much! Bossgame hasn’t made anywhere near the kind of money that will let me quit my job (not a surprise) so I quickly returned to reality, making games in my spare hours. The excitement died down, bit by bit, and my daily life became quiet again.
I did feel some pride and "legitimacy" from getting invited on podcasts, hearing people mention Bossgame in the same breath as popular games and games that have inspired me. I think this is... complicated, and maybe not a good way to think about things. It's even a bit dangerous, when you start to tie your self-worth to being online, being popular, wanting to make more money, etc... Some amount of popularity is unfortunately necessary for your art to reach people, but it's certainly bad for your brain. I try to be proud of Bossgame because of the work I and others put into it, and because of the way it made people feel. But I can't deny that releasing Bossgame has helped me break some of my insecurities around whether I "count" as an artist or developer, even though sometimes it feels like a fluke, and even though those insecurities are still there. I've met so many people who make amazing things and still feel that insecurity, so I think it's a demon I'll end up carrying for a long time as well. I try my best not to worry about it.
Anyway, the shift from the mobile release to making the Bossgame port for Steam was exhausting in a number of ways. Common advice is to avoid simultaneous releases for a game across platforms, but it’s also tiring to continue working on a game that is already “complete”. It was done! People were already playing it! But of course, a lot of people don't play mobile games, and Steam is too big a monolith to ignore, much as I hate it. I felt ready to move on to something new, but I spent months implementing proper controller support and other things... I was also a bit burned out at this point, I think. I took a month off here and there to rest, work on a prototype for a new game, and make an AMV.
Burnout has been most of my 2023. I’ve felt a bit scattered since the mobile release, and only managed to consolidate just enough to finish the Steam version. I wish I had had more energy to celebrate it, honestly. I had been so excited for the chance to work on something new, but by the time I was done, I was very, very tired. Depression, burnout, unsure of the future.
It's taken some time to regather myself, and I’m not at 100 percent. There are some things I still need to sort out. My job is stressful, and I don’t think I can work 50+ hour weeks forever. I want to make another bigger project, but I don’t want to spend a full four years on it, if I can help it. And I want to collaborate more with others, where I can. I think there’s more potential there than I could ever reach alone.
Even with burnout and depression, my last year has had warm streaks of light traveling through it. The Steam release of Bossgame was received very well. A passionate fan made a full-color mod. I’ve been able to make new friends with inspiring developers. I started drawing regularly for the first time in years. I learned how to arrange on a tracker and made a weird little touhou fangame. I got really into fighting games! There were plenty of good things, too.
And so I’m moving forward, though I’ll never, ever forget Bossgame, or Sophie, or Anna, or all the things they mean to me. My head is floating with pieces for the next game, and I’m excited to build something new. I think this one is going to be a bit more passionate and desperate, compared to Bossgame, and also a bit more fucked up. There will be pixel lesbians and boss fights. I hope you’ll enjoy it.
Thank you so much for reading 💜
Lily
Dev interviews have always been a big inspiration to me, so maybe these can inspire someone else, too...
Talking to Women About Video Games, episode 51
I talked to Jonathan Holmes about lesbians, the Bloodborne demake, body horror, and kissing my girlfriend.
Cubicorn Games, episode 130
I talked to Dustin and Lorraine about solo development, pixel animation, RPG Maker, endurance, and not pulling punches
Kritiqal Care, episode 67
I talked to Nathalie about the wasted potential of phones, Mystic Messenger, queer zines, lesbian dating, and making friends online
Indiepocalypse Radio, episode 110
I talked with Andrew and ShallowLagoon about Kirby, shmups, getting good at fighting games, my favorite Touhou character, Weird & Unfortunate Things Are Happening, Nomura’s passion, zines, sicko games, and being a pervert
The Single Player Experience
I talked with Sebastion about writing dialogue, Wine & Roses, monochrome art, gaudy earrings, Final Fantasy, karaage, and yuri